White House denies sending Obama to Mars

Self-proclaimed time-traveling, universe-exploring government agents Andrew D. Basiago and William Stillings claim they served for DARPA in the 1980s, and witnessed a young Barack Obama sent to explore Mars as a top secret CIA project.

I would love to say we're making this up; but this fantastical story, which we're not surprised doesn't come complete with it's own Tinfoil hats, is one of such absurdity it's actually a pretty fascinating story to read.  Reported by Wired's Danger Room, Basiago and Stillings told of how Obama has been lying about his identity and military service, revealing the shocking truth to be the president participating in a CIA intergalactic program, which was hosted at a California community college in 1980.

The White House has responded to Wired, claiming Obama never went to Mars.  Tommy Vietor, spokesman for the National Security Council commented:

Only if you count watching Marvin the Martian

According to the self-proclaimed agents, Obama took his place as one of ten youths specifically picked to secretly teleport to Mars.  The president travelled to Mars twice between 1981 and 83, via a teleportation device by the charming name of the "jump room."  To confirm his journey as successful, Obama is said to have told Basiago "We're here, with some sense of fatalism."

The mission given to the starship trooper U.S President was a perilous journey to “establish a defense regime protecting the Earth from threats from space” as well as a legal claim to “territorial sovereignty" ...quite a conquest in the hands of Obama.

“Simply put, your task is to be seen and not eaten,” retired Army Maj. Ed Dames, and elder chrononaut, is alleged to have told a young Obama.

Space war is hell.

We laugh now; but the birth-certificate controversy?  The Tea parties were right!  Basiago and Stillings are right.  We'll be going straight to Mars if Obama is re-elected into office.

We are not along, and he must've seen some pretty messed up stuff.

Source: Wired