A Fitbit For Your Dangly Bits - Smart Condom Tracks Male Sex Performance

Introducing the i.Con Smart Condom - the “world’s first smart condom,” which tracks male sex performance and compares it to stats of men around the world. 

Let’s get the first gross question out the way - no it’s not an actual reusable condom. It’s actually a ring that fits over your usual johnnys, and comes with built in sensors to track a variety of activity measurements alongside detecting chlamydia and syphillis.

Put simply, ever wanted a real answer to what you’re like at sex? This will help you answer that with graphical representation on a paired app.

So, what will the i.Con track? Good question that’s answered on the pre-order page:

  • Calories burnt during sexual intercourse
  • Speed of thrusts
  • Total number of thrusts
  • Frequency of sessions
  • Total duration of sessions
  • Average velocity of thrusts
  • Girth measurement
  • Different positions used (currently BETA testing – will have more info in a release coming soon)
  • Average skin temperature

And all that information isn’t just limited to you… In one of the most terrifying big data exercises in recent human memory, they will take that data and give you a ranking based on others. 

But don’t worry, British Condoms says “all data will be kept anonymous, but users will have the option to share their recent data with friends, or, indeed the world.” I wonder how long it will be until a “share to Facebook” option is made available?

But seriously, there are times when I fear smart technology is going to far, and this is a prime example. I’m not too sure whether men really want to visualise the data of how good they are in bed.

Speaking truthfully, I know I’m nowhere near the best in bed and I do my best to ignore the anxiety surrounding performance. With that in mind, this is a terrible idea.

The gamification of sex - what could possibly go wrong!? Except depression and general fear of ever having fornicating again, but whatever I guess…

It’s innovation. For your dick. God help us all.