You or someone else probably has a bad case of Hyper Involuntary Panic Stress Tension Elevation, also known as HIPSTER.  Luckily, there's a scientific and rather hilarious way to cure them: Unpretentiousil.

This spoof documents all the classic symptoms of HIPSTER you should look out for, creates an exact science and introduces a cure we wish was real.  Although, just for the record, having a beard isn't only for hipsters.

Jason England